Annals Of Irresponsibility–Buy ‘Em, Dump ‘Em…Run Away: For some reason (better weed, maybe?), Miami is the exotic animal capital of the United States. Every year, tens of thousands of strange and unusual birds, lizards, snakes, monkeys–you name it, South Floridians apparently will buy it–are flown in so people with too much money and too little sense can brag about owning the only blue-tongued Nile monitor lizard on their block. And naturally, when said owner discovers–surprise–that the cute little snake or lizard they bought on a whim is not so cute once it is full grown and working on a way to eat its owner, the children and the dog, out the window and into the swamps it goes. According to the New York Times (sorry, free registration required), the result is that South Florida is teeming with weird and exotic animals, many of whom are doing just fine, thank-you very much, and starting to give native species a run for their money. The Nile Monitor lizard, for example, is living large in the canals of Coral Gable, and looking for new housing markets. “There’s no question they are expanding their range,” Dr. Kenneth Krysko said. “They are scaring the heck out of residents…Any child can go to a pet store and buy a hatchling for $10. But no one realizes the ability this animal has to tear off your cat’s head with one twist.” Dang. Sorry, Garfield.

It’s turning into a raging, unpredictable biology experiment fueled by human vanity and ignorance, with Burmese pythons proliferating in the Everglades and retirees watching them fight it out with the crocs (the crocs still win and The Times has a picture to prove it). Can’t wait ’til these animals start coming back out of the swamps to overrun the housing tracts. Oh, wait, they already are. Excellleennt…



Pesky Python: “This guy was on his way to the Early Bird at Hooters…”

(Photo: Everglades National Park via NYT)