Annals Of Adventure–Martian Mission (Sort Of): The pull of the Red Planet grows. With the Moon already done, the space shuttle grounded, and the international space station just…existing, a manned mission to Mars is just what the world needs to get excited about space again. Okay, it’s not going to happen anytime very soon, but the Russians–God bless ’em–are on the move. They are planning the launch the 500 Days experiment, in which they will lock six volunteers (who clearly don’t have much else going on at home) into a metal tube for–duh–500 days. They’ll have limited supplies of food, water and oxygen, and the idea is to see whether humans can handle the psychological stresses of a long Mars mission without killing each other. The experiment is planned for 2006, and the Russians have generously invited their colleagues at NASA to participate. Typically, the NASA bureaucracy is gumming the idea to death pending a decision (just say “yes,” you idiots, it’s a very cool experiment, even if the food will be all cabbage and black bread). The longest an American has stayed in space is 196 days. The Russians, of course, have that whipped. Their endurance record is 438 days, which is roughly the amount of time it takes to read “War And Peace” ten times. Potential volunteers should note that the Russians do not dare try this experiment with a mixed crew, so no women will be allowed. That should be appealing to, say, sailors in the Royal Navy. But TWC says it not a truly useful experiment unless they try two other mock missions–for contrast and comparison–at the same time: an all woman crew (who says men will handle the stress better?), and a mixed crew (it’s at least worth looking into and would draw a boatload of internet traffic if they’re smart enough to install a webcam). Come to think of it, this mock mission would make for great reality TV, and the Russians always need cash for their space program. So seed the crews with some fading celebs desperate for attention, and give Mark Burnett a call…



The Martian Life: “Excuse me, Paris. There’s a guy on the phone with a funny accent. Says he’s from the Russian Space Agency…”