Shekhdar Southern Ocean Row Update–GACK!: Our boy Jim is making steady progress despite a few mechanical hiccups. The worst problem he has, in fact, is a case of Early Onset Stinkfoot. “Started fine 10-15kt W to WNW cloudy then fine – so much so that I took advantage and rowed for an hour naked – to get a little less smelly – it worked but found that the main source of the smelly cabin is the insoles from my wellies!” This is a devilish and age-old voyaging problem that modern technology has yet to solve. The colder it gets the more relief Shekhdar’s nose will feel. But this is not the sort of problem that gets better over the course of a long voyage. In fact, Jim….did you pack any nose clips?
Nice progress, buddy….And in the right direction, too!
(Image: Ocean Rowing Society)
Author: timzimmermann
Annals Of Inanity–Extreme Ironing: Oh, where to start? It might seem as if The Wetass Chronicles is interested exclusively in the sailing world these days. Well, I can’t help it if the sailors and rowers are doing all the cool stuff at the moment. However, in an effort to reassure you that The Wetass Chronicles has global reach and will discriminate against no sport on the basis of, well, stupidity, I bring you (thanks to a tip from TWC web designer Colin McNaught) EXTREME IRONING. What is it, you may well ask? Well, I can’t explain it any better than the Extreme Ironing Bureau, the web home of extreme ironers everywhere, which sums it up succinctly as: the latest danger sport that combines the thrills of an extreme outdoor activity with the satisfaction of a well pressed shirt. The most shocking aspect of this little fetish is that it appears to be THRIVING. You’ve got enthusiasts ironing on mountain tops, on beaches and in many of world’s nooks and crannies. The web site in fact is running a poll, which asks readers to vote on the ultimate Extreme Ironing (EI) site. Choice 1 is the Grand Canyon. Choice 5 is Everest. Choice 6 is “There’s no good location. EI sucks!” EI enthusiasts are particularly heated up (heh, heh) over the inclusion of EI in the 2004 Guinness Book of Records (though somewhat miffed that it has been placed in the “Bizarre Sports” section). Of course, The Wetass Chronicles’ favorite form of EI is Extreme Underwater Ironing. How EUI works is pretty self-evident, but if you have any questions, by all means link to the handy dandy Extreme Underwater Ironing guidelines. The Brits apparently have the depth record, but the Aussies are going for the “mass underwater ironing” record, and have put out a call for underwater ironers who would like to help (“All we need is a bunch of divers, with irons, ironing boards and a desire to do something rather insane….”). Over to you, Dave Barry……
An Underwater Ironer at Work: Whatever you do, never, never plug the iron in……..
(Photo: Dive-Oz Web Services)
VDH Wrong Way Update–Finally, a Boat That’s Still In One Piece: Jean Luc Van Den Heede is sailing in the wake of the TJV machines, but cruising comfortably so far in his bid to–finally–break the non-stop, round the world record. He was hit with a gale his first night out, and was unsettled to discover that fear of record-ending damage to “Adrien” was getting in the way of a good sail:
“I can’t stop thinking about the any damage that may occur, which would throw my adventure into question… And this is the first time I’ve experienced such stress. I hope that this feeling will soon disappear, as it makes the sailing less enjoyable. “
Happily, “Adrien” came through ably and VDH is much happier, and some 300 miles ahead of current record holder Philippe Monnet’s track. Only 23,640 miles to go…..
VDH Riding Low: “Hmmmm, I wonder if I’m bringing too much beer……”
TJV Update–It Ain’t Easy: The multihulls–which started four days later–are catching the monohulls, and the whole fleet is about to go into turbo drive, running downwind in the trades toward the equator. But there have been more than a few dings. Monohull Open 60 leader ECOVER is now sliding down the rankings after chafed halyards dumped one spinnaker and then a second in the water, shredding them into spaghetti. They have one spinnaker left for all the downwind running to Brazil–and a sweatshop’s annual quota of sewing to recover another–which is liking racing the Indy 500 without a top gear, or spare parts in the pit. It was a nice run until now, boys….But new leader “Virbac” is over the horizon, and being chased by a shrinking fleet: top contender Bernard Stamm retired over the weekend after deciding that he couldn’t sail all the way to Brazil with a chestful of broken ribs. Stamm took a nasty fall the first day out and tried to live through the pain, while keeping quiet about the injury. These guys are as tough as they come, but…..
The trimaran fleet is also living up to its fragile reputation. Italian tri “TIM” has dropped out after the hull cracked open and started taking on water. Ellen MacArthur and her co-skipper Alain Gautier had to stop in the Canaries to replace a staysail which ripped in a 45-knot squall, and their main halyard, which chafed through. “Banque Popular” is also pit stopping, thanks to damage to its port rudder. “Bonduelle” lost its central rudder after hitting a piece of wood. “Gitana” broke a stay and is heading for port. And last, but not least, “Bayer Crop Science” is starting to peel apart and also has to head in for repairs. Critics have been complaining for years that these trimaran Open 60 racing machines are built too light for real ocean sailing. And I would say the verdict is in…..Pathetic.
Sunrise from “Team Cowes”: “This would make it all worth it if I wasn’t so fu*#ing tired, wet and hungry…..”
(Photo: Team Cowes)
Shekhdar Southern Ocean Update–Crash, Pow, Glub: Marathon rower Jim Shekhdar has finally stopped getting his ass kicked…at least long enough to write some e-mail updates. And it hasn’t been pretty. He’s in decent weather now, but spent the last three days getting hammered by gales or plowing through calms. The boat has been dumped sideways a bunch of times, and once he almost fell overboard while fiddling with his wind generator. He was saved by his harness. Here’s Jim’s take:
The last 3 days have been gales/storms or nothing. Top speed in a gale was 16kt!!!, fell over 8 times and total chaos in the cabins! I am warm and dryish but very reluctant to go outside at the moment. Course has been awful – driven North a lot! Haven’t tried the dagger board yet, I’m falling over enough without it – very grateful for the bean bags – I sleep surrounded by them for comfort and protection!!
Yessirree, thank god for the bean bags. And he’s not even in the Southern Ocean yet! Jim’s 5 days in and has covered about 321 miles as the crow flies. If he survives the next 4400, he’ll be at Cape Horn. This guy is definitely in the running for Wetass of the Year…..
Shekhdar Position Chart: Drunk on the 8th???
(Source: Ocean Rowing Society)
Annals of Adventure–Around the Globe, Non-Stop…the Wrong Way!: There is an easy way to sail around the world and a very, very hard way. The easy way is to go from west to east, which puts the prevailing winds in the Southern Ocean–at the bottom of the globe–behind you. So you are mostly enjoying a fast, sometimes hairy, sometimes thrilling, downwind sleigh ride for about 10,000 of the 25,000 mile voyage. The hard, hard way–the way of stubborn, masochistic sailors–is to sail west to east, against the prevailing winds, into the teeth of storms, spending months and months beating into the wind, a cold, wet, existence in which every mile is a struggle. Not surprisingly, only 4 sailors in history have done the non-stop, wrong-way route. The first was an Englishman named Chay Blyth, who inaugurated the east to west misery-fest in 1970. He made the trip in 292 days and was forever after known as “Wrong Way Chay.” Three subsequent sailing iconoclasts have lowered the time to 151 days. And today a Frenchman named Jean-Luc Van Den Heede (popularly known as VDH) set out to become the fifth. VDH is a stubborn guy. This is not his first attempt on the Wrong-Way Record. It is his FOURTH, and his weapon of choice is a 75-foot aluminum cutter named “Adrien.” In 1999, in his first attempt, in a 60-footer, VDH hit an underwater object past Cape Horn, and barely made it to port in Chile. In 2001, in the new “Adrien,” VDH was done in by Cape Horn again–a storm started to work the keel off. And just last year, after 64 days at sea–18 days ahead of the record and nearing Australia–VDH lost his mast. A lesser mortal might give up, concluding that Neptune has it in for him. Not VDH. He’s off again, a model of determination and philosophical equanimity. This time, I bet he makes it. We’ll let you know how he’s getting on……
Stubborn Old Man: “Je refuse! West to East is for sissies….”
Annals of Exploration–Is There Anyone Out There?: Voyager 1, launched almost 30 years ago, has just about run out of solar system. Indeed, the little probe that could, which is now 8.37 billion miles from the sun, might actually be beyond the solar system–in the vast and unknown area known as interstellar space. Scientists aren’t sure, in part because the boundaries of the solar system expand and contract. But they are having a hell of a good time arguing about it. Just in case Voyager runs into any extraterrestrial life out there, it carries a high density golden disk which attempts to explain our planet. What’s on it? Among other things, greetings in 55 languages, the sound of a kiss, a mother’s lullaby, and written statements from President Jimmy Carter and then-UN Secretary General Kurt Waldheim. Carter? Waldheim? Uh-oh. Hope the Borg don’t run into this thing. We are sure to get assimilated. Resistance is futile…….
Rockin’ Klingons: Maybe we’ll be spared…..Voyager also carries a version of Chuck Berry’s “Johnny B. Goode”
(Image: NASA)
Jacques Vabre Update–Hard Sailing: No new drama, as the boats plow south at top speed. But here are some great pictures, which convey both the speed–and daring–of the Open 60 multihulls. Looks like fun, doesn’t it?:
“Help, I can’t slow down! Wait, why would I want to?”
“I sure hope this is the back end…..”
Jacques Vabre Update–All At Sea: At 10 am this morning, Froggie time, the 14 Open 60 trimarans hit the start line. These boats are like Formula 1 race cars, arguably the most powerful…and fragile racing vessels on the high seas. Off the line they were all doing speeds into the mid-20s, blasting along with their two person crews, and settling into a 4300 mile sprint (they’ll sail direct for Brazil; Ascension Island was removed from the course due to the late start). When the running is tight the crews will hand steer, flying one and even two hulls, carving the fine line between speed and disaster. If they flip, they stay flipped, and they are so unbelievably powerful they can flip in almost any conditions if the helmsman makes a mistake or the autopilot decides to take a break. When they can, the crews will grab snatches of sleep, and heat up pasty freeze-dried food to try and stem the steady loss of calories that comes with racing a rocket ship shorthanded. The tris are rounding the northwest tip of France and will then cross the Bay of Biscay as they dive south for the equator. No weather bombs predicted for the moment. But hang on for the ride…Neptune never lets this race off without some surprises. Up ahead, for instance, the monohull Open 60s got pasted again overnight, with winds more than 60 knots. They’re all wet, cold, tired and miserable, pining for the moment they finally hit the trade winds and can shrug out of their dry suits and get a little sun. Britain’s ECOVER is still hanging on to the lead….
“Holy Merde, Michel. You dodged that chopper…but what are you going to do about the container ship?”
(Photo: Transat Jacques Vabre)
The Latest From Expedition News: Our friends at Expedition News will be sending us highlights every month from their newsletter. Here are a few November items that caught my eye:
1) Next summer a team of underwater archaeologists and geologists will launch the Deep Med One expedition, which will try to find–seriously–the Lost City of Atlantis. The expedition will feature a deep sea submersible and focus on a spot 18 miles southwest of Tarifa, Spain. What will they be looking to find? Oh, temples, buildings, prehistoric artifacts, that sort of thing. Plato described Atlantis around 355 BC. Aristotle said he made it up. Good luck, guys…..
17th Century Depiction: Sure looks easy to find….
(Image: Francis Hitchin, World Atlas of Mysteries)
2) “A Texas beer import company, Rengo Imports, is capitalizing upon the appeal of penguins and the mystery of the southern hemisphere with its launch of Rockhopper lager from Santiago, Chile (www.rockhopperbeer.com)…Not content to just give people a good buzz, Rengo throws in a natural history lesson with its promotional table tents. They explain that rockhopper penguins “are aggressive, zany and sociable. About 18 inches tall, they have a vertical leap of six feet. Their loud cries, called ‘ecstatic vocalization,’ announce their presence and attract females.”
“Why us? We’re cute, we’re trendy…and the bastards were too cheap to pay royalties to Jim Belushi.”
3) From an ad by climbing guide Daniel Mazur we learn that a little jaunt up Everest in 2004 can be had, Sherpas and all expenses included, for $19,500. Summit not guaranteed….
The Earthist Chronicles 