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I have a deep-seated hatred of combining watersports with combustion engines, but sometimes the result is too intriguing to ignore. So with plenty of ambivalence I bring you the Powerski Surfboard, which is basically a surfboard with a 45 HP engine and waterjet propulsion unit. Top speed is about 40 mph on flat water. And with a noisy 2-stroke engine, this thing is sure to send traditional surfers into an even higher state of localist rage than usual. If they pound the crap out of some kid trying to learn to surf on their wave, just imagine what they’ll do to some converted Personal Watercrafter with an Iron Maiden wetsuit and a soaked Mullett shredding up the water in front of them. This could be WWIII at Pipeline, and we’ll post all the video. For now, content yourself with this clip from PWC-TV (My God, they have their own channel? Be afraid…). Another growth area I’d like to see is PWC vs. Jetboard demolition derbies. Hmm, maybe this thing has promise, after all…

“Hey, there’s Laird Hamilton! I can’t wait to see the look on his face when I cut him off and make him eat my exhaust…”

Face it. Schlepping over to Africa to hop into a zebra-striped tour bus in order to try and spot an elephant or two through the forest of blue hair surrounding you is so over. So done. Luckily, in the game of life there are eccentrics and innovators. And South Africa’s Alwyn Wentzel is both. He’s very hard at work in the mud and muck of the Amazulu Game Reserve, developing the latest wrinkle in Wetass ecotourism: frog safaris. The idea is simple. Spend all night crawling and wading through the swamps and wetlands of the 30,000 acre reserve in an effort to spot as many frog species as possible. Sort of like bird watching, except you try to grab the frog so you can really give it the once over. And, oh yeah, you have to watch out for snakes, crocodiles and lions (the crocs look like little red lights moving through the darkness toward you). “Frogging is physical, it’s challenging. Unlike game viewing or birding you have to get in there and get dirty,” Wentzel said as he sloshed through the muck in search of quarry, a headlamp lighting his way through the inky darkness.

Now, don’t get overexcited and think you’ll be cataloging hundreds of the leaping critters. A good night will yield, umm, ten species. So I guess it’s more about the journey than the destination. But think of the safari tales you’ll be able to tell back home (“His powerful legs hammered me in the face, but I still managed to whip out my digital camera…”)

Big Little Game?: “Dammit. I don’t mind all the attention. But why are all the French tourists carrying pruning shears and licking their lips…?” (sorry, Frederic, couldn’t resist)

Here’s another gem from Atom Films. It’s about a little skiing diversion called “Gap Jumping.” What sort of skiiers are into it? Skiers who like big air. Skiers who don’t mind the odd 100-foot face plant. Skiers who say sh*t like: “I love the dream where I am falling.” Check it all out here…

“But I hate the dream where I am eating snow…”

Some boats just know where they are going, whether there is a crew aboard or not. Take the story of “The Nord” (brought to you via a tip from TWC reader Kevin Moore), a 30-foot lifeboat rigged with two masts for ocean passagemaking. Skipper Andrew Urbanczyk wanted to sail her from San Francisco to Hawaii last Fall. So he rounded up two crew, who swore they were salty fellows, and took off on September 1. The ocean has a funny way of showing up hubris, though, and even though Urbanczyk is a record-setting solo sailor and author of more than 40 books on the sea, his over-optimistic crew discovered that life on the rolling Pacific in a small boat is, well, difficult. After just a few weeks of puking and learning to live soaking wet, they stubbornly declared they believed their lives were in danger and convinced Urbanczyk to call the Coast Guard for help. The CG dutifully routed a commercial vessel to The Nord, and Urbanczyk, who is 70, decided that he couldn’t handle the Nord alone and would have to abandon ship too. That was mid-September, and Urbanczyk figured he would never see his little lifeboat again. So imagine his surprise when The Nord recently drifted ashore at Waihee beach on Maui. “There is a lot of ocean out there,” Urbanczyk said. “If you look at a map, the boat hit the center.” You can read the full story here. Guess they should have just sat in The Nord and done, umm, nothing. Losers…

It Gives A Whole New Meaning To Self-Steering: “Hmm. All I need to do is get some new sails, install a DVD player, and this thing will be ready to go around the world. Plus, apparently I can skip the GPS…”
(Photo: The Maui News / MATTHEW THAYER)

Better sit down. These are shocking numbers. 50 days, 16 hours, 20 minutes and 4 seconds. That’s how long it took Bruno Peyron and his crew to lap the planet on Orange II. They sailed at an average speed of 22.2 knots, and they didn’t just improve Steve Fossett’s circumnavigation record of 58 days, 9 hours. They obliterated it by 7 days, 17 hours, which is an improvement of about 13 percent. Want some other numbers? Best 24-hour run: 689.4 miles. Days over 600 miles: 12. Improvement in average speed through the water of the boats in The Race (which launched this modern generation): 21 percent.

In the America’s Cup, improvements in boat speed come at fractions of a percent. What Orange II has done is make an entire generation of maxi cats obsolete. There’s no stopping this amazing speedster, which has now nailed two of the big three speed sailing records (24-hour, and circumnavigation). That leaves the transatlantic record from New York to the Lizard, also held by Fossett, as the last major target. And given halfway decent weather, it’s only a matter of getting the boat to New York, hitting the right weather window, and avoiding any smashups, before that record is snatched up, too.

So, where does this impressive cat leave the world of maxi-sailing? In trouble, I would say. There’s no boat in the current generation that can touch Orange II for high average speeds. So forget it, De Kersauson. Forget it, Cam Lewis. Have a seat Dave Scully, Tony Bullimore, and anyone who was thinking about buying Kingfisher or Doha 2006. Raise $10 million, build a new boat, or find something else to do with your lives. Fossett’s Cheyenne is due for a new mast, and it would be interesting to see whether turboing her with a more powerful wingmast, and taking weight off with PBO rigging could get her into the same league. But where will the money and determination come from? Fossett is off flying airplanes, and effectively retired from the speed sailing game. Franck Cammas is getting ready to launch a new, giant tri, and that boat could be the only real competitor on the horizon. But the big multihull game has just gone from a field of 5 to a field of, maybe, 2. Interesting. Bruno Peyron started the whole maxi-multi revolution. And he may have killed it, too. My money says the focus will shift to breaking the 50 knot barrier, and the head to head solo competition between Ellen MacArthur and Francis Joyon…

Class Killer: “Congratulations, Bruno. Now what the f*ck are we going to do?…”

Well, all you non-readers can thank TWC reader (and excellent J22 sailor) Nina Beebe. She has taken pity on you and forwarded me the link (click here, or here, for a second angle) to the National Zoo “Cheetah Cam.” And if that show gets boring you can always switch over (click here) to the “Indoor Giraffe Cam.” And if you are really, really hurting (and I really question what sort of life you have in this case) you can dig (warning: bad pun about to become obvious) the action at my personal favorite, the “Naked Mole-Rat Cam” (click here). That’s all I can do for you. Except to say: you really need to get out more…

Gnawing Naked Mole-Rat: “Here’s your choice for the next two weeks. You can either look at me or Tim’s sorry wet ass (see below). Loser…”

I’m off on a reporting trip for two weeks, so Wetass will be on hiatus until March 14. Sorry. I don’t even have any animal web cams to offer. So I guess you’ll just have to try a little used and ancient form of diversion. It’s called “READING”…

Wetass Portaiture: J22 MidWinters, Coconut Grove, February 2005…

When God took a moment to try and improve life on earth he came up with the concept of the midwinter sailing regatta. Step 1: pick warm sailing venue. Step 2: gather a decent fleet of boats. Step 3: Blow a little wind their way. Pretty basic. Pretty ingenious.

When I arrived in Miami yesterday it was sunny and warm with a 10 knot breeze blowing on Biscayne Bay. I couldn’t really believe I had somehow escaped the snowstorm that was blanketing the northeast. Not only that, I was going to go sailboat racing at a time of year when sailboat racing (for me at least) does not normally occur. First it felt surreal. Then it felt sinful. Then it felt great.

The J22 Midwinters are being staged out of the Miami Shake-A-Leg facility, which has plenty of parking, a monstrous building with an open-air third-floor terrace that is perfect for regatta parties, and lots of good hotels and restaurants nearby in Coconut Grove. The race area, Biscayne Bay, is a short sail away, and so far has featured flat water, decent (if tricky) breeze, and a lot of dolphins. Get the picture? It’s perfect. I never went to the Midwinters when they were held at New Orleans’ Southern Yacht Club but I heard plenty of stories about wild partying, rain and freezing temps. I think I would take Biscayne Bay any day.

Today the race committee got off three races into a nice, easy southerly. There are a lot of good teams here, and even though there are only 26 boats racing, the fleet is pretty nicely bunched at each rounding. Picking a side of the course proved to be the key, and on Kathy Parks’ Sundog I sometimes got it right, and sometimes got it wrong. But it was hard to care too much because, well, we were sailboat racing in 80 degree weather in February. Consistency paid, and the top ten are:

1) Henry Filter 12 points
2) Greg Fisher 12
3) Scott Nixon 13
4) C. Doyle 16
5) S. Elliott 21
6) Seidel/Eibert 22
7) T. Schertz 25
8) S. Fidler 25
9) D. Van Cleef 27
10 C. Wientjes 30

Race winners were: Nixon, DaMore, Schertz

We’re down in 17th after a 14, 20, 14 scoreline. Two more days to go. Heh-heh…

The Sundog Crew

“I wonder what those poor saps up north are doing…?”

“Dammit, where’s the sun lotion…”

The VC Performance Beer, I Mean Rigging, Tent…

Forget the polar bears. The Penguin Plunge is an annual fundraiser for Special Olympics Connecticut that convinces otherwise sane people to jump into a frigid Long Island Sound, and raise sponsorship for doing it (they call it “Freezin’ For A Reason”; not bad…). This year’s event off New London was notable for the antics of one Bill Farr who noticed a group of Navy divers trying to best the event’s 2004 idiot, I mean endurance, record of 10 minutes and 2 seconds (this is in 34 degree water, mind you). So Farr decided to hang with them. He waited and froze. Waited and froze. And finally after the Navy boys couldn’t take it any longer and staggered out of the water after 15 minutes and 38 seconds, Farr nonchalantly waded ashore after them, triumphant. Why would he subject himself to such pain? In Farr’s immortal words: “I just wanted to do it.” Okay, that’s a little less eloquent than Hillary’s “because it was there,” but no less concise. Or honest. So here’s to you, Bill Farr. I hope you’ve thawed out by now…

Penguin Plunge 1: “Yep, I think the water is pretty cold…”

Penguin Plunge 2: “Goddamit, Muffy, this is the last time I let you talk me into one of your “fancy dress parties”…

Penguin Plunge 3: “Squawk. It’s way too cold to actually go in, but it would almost be worth it to see how that chick in a prom dress is doing…”

For once the Wetass Life is My Life. I’m heading to Miami to race in the J22 Mid-Winter regatta. I’ll try to post daily race reports on the regatta, as well as any other Wetass-suitable material I have time for. But I can’t promise anything. You see, it’s warm and relaxing there, sailors have been known to drink a little beer after racing, and, well, I can be a lazy SOB when I want to…

J22 Strategy: “Okay, Mike. Now that you’ve got a good grip on her boat, see if you can pull us forward…”
(Photo: Alden Bugly)