Have A Wetass Weekend…:
(Photos: Kenworthy Big Air Gallery at Surfer Magazine)
Category: Uncategorized
Annals Of Oops–Human Bunkerbuster: Maybe it’s just me. But if I were a human cannonball, I’d be pretty careful about measuring my trajectory accurately. Apparently, this guy doesn’t worry about it so much. Check out the results…
The Countdown Begins: “Damn. This is a bad time to start worrying about the accurate conversion of meters to feet…”
Masters Of Speed-The Vagaries Of Wind: Training Day 2 for Finian’s windsurfing gang was nothing special. Thirty knots of breeze (good), but from a 90-degree angle (bad). Still, speeds were in the high 30s and low 40s. The perfect conditions to take the outright record would be maybe 35 knots from an angle of 110-120 degrees to the canal. And to illustrate just how much luck with the wind plays a role in this speed sailing game, consider how the day ended:
We packed up around 5pm with about 15-knots of wind in the air so we thought it was safe but at around 6:15 the wind suddenly came up to be pretty strong but it was too late to do anything as the timing was put away and Christophe needs one hour to mobilize it. We were all left with a solid 35-knots of ESE to stare at as the light faded away and the possibility to run about three runs before it was too dark. There is no guarantee that we missed record conditions but they were pretty close considering that the fastest run of the day by Finian (44.22 kts.) was done in 30-33 knots of wind. Merde.
Thems the breaks. They live to windsurf another day…
Waiting For The Right Conditions: “Hey, Finian, don’t you think it’s a bit wavy today…?”
Mekong Mick Wrap-Up: Last month, Aussie paddler Mick O’Shea became the first human to paddle the Mekong River from source to sea. It was an incredible expedition, and Mick provided colorful and intense dispatches which TWC posted along the way. He’s now back home in Laos, and I sent him a follow-up Q&A. Here’s what The Man had to say…:
TWC: How did the difficulty of the Mekong descent compare with your expectations?
Mekong Mick: In some respects it was more difficult, more time consuming and more costly than first expected but it was definitely more amazing than I could have dreamed.
TWC: Do you feel lucky to have survived it?
MM: There were definitely a couple of moments. For 99% of the journey I felt very much in control but there were two specific instances when it could have gone either way. There was definitely some luck involved at those times.
TWC: What were the best and worst moments? The funniest?
MM: Best: There were so many, If I had to choose one I guess it would be the sensation of peace that I felt once I reached the South China Sea
Worst: When I nearly drowned in Yunnan and lost all of my gear including boat and photos of the gorges through which I was th only person ever to have passed. Luckily the next day I found the boat and one roll of film that was not waterlogged which possessed some unique shots from within the gorges.
The funniest moment? Besides the time that the huge Tibetan Mastiff dog nearly bit my Johnson off which everyone else found funnier than me there was one instance when I climbed up to a Tibetan village to spend the night. I tried to explain by sign language that I was paddling down the Mekong, the next morning they led me down to the river in the gorges and told me to start swimming toward Yunnan which was 400 kilometers away! They interpreted my kayaking mimes to be swimming and assumed I had just swum off the Tibetan plateau to reach their village! You have to know how cold the water is in those gorges to really appreciate that one.
TWC: Was there any piece of equipment that you didn’t have along that you wished you had brought with you?
MM: A waterproof camera, I trashed two conventional cameras and a pile of unique footage on the expedition when I was spanked by some big rapids in Yunnan.
TWC: What were the greatest physical and mental challenges?
MM: Physical: 9 days unsupported paddling 12 hrs of white water per day to get through Tibet without running out of food.
Mental: Dealing with several people who were inspired only by money and not the expedition itself.
TWC: What’s next?
MM: I’m working hard to produce a photo book and documentary series on the expedition right now which should be released next year. On the adventure front I have identified 39 large Mekong tributaries that I would like to explore over the next few years and I’m developing some paddle tours in the Mekong basin. I have plenty on my plate!
What can I say? Mick is a Wetass through and through, and TWC looks forward to chronicling his next big adventure…
Mick, Modeling: “Sure, the Wetass Chronicles is an okay site. But I can’t believe my Mum is making me wear this stupid t-shirt…”
The Hunt For 50–Masters Of Speed: While the Aussies are burning it up down at Sandy Point, windsurfing wildman Finian Maynard and his gang of speed freaks are back in action at their custom-made French canal, located at Stes. Maries de la Mer. Maynard set the windsurfing speed record here last December, with a run of 46.24 knots (just shy of Yellow Pages Endeavour’s outright record of 46.52 knots). If anyone is going to take the outright record, and bust through the 50 knot barrier, my money is on these guys. This is their third extended outing at the French Trench, and we all know third time is a charm. If you want to see how muddy, grey, and f*cking fast the location is, check out this intense nine minute-plus video from last March (featured soundtrack song, naturally: David Bowie, “We Can Be Heroes”). It looks as if they are windsurfing on a really long mud puddle (which is pretty much what they are in fact doing). Note how unbelievebly flat the water is, which is the key. Go Finian….
Finian’s Latest Go-Fast Strategy: “I’m Irish, so this is killing me. But if giving up the drink will take me to 50, so be it…”
Wetass Video Of The Week–Do You DUI?: If you do (and of course you shouldn’t), you can’t do better than this dude when it comes to taking the standard sobriety tests. Too bad he couldn’t keep his mouth shut at the end. Click here to see the whole thing on the police-car cam…
“You’re doing alright, honey. But, man, you should have seen the guy I had last night…”
(Thanks to TWC material-miner Dave Ross, who might just get to see his beloved Red Sox win the big one…)
Department of Rewrite–Nelson’s PC Trafalgar: The Brits recently celebrated the approaching 200th anniversary of Admiral Nelson’s historic victory over the French and Spanish fleets at Trafalgar. As part of the celebration, an actor dressed as Nelson posed for pictures on the River Thames at Greenwich. But as he prepared to hop into a RNLI Lifeboat, he was stopped by safety officials. The reason: he wasn’t wearing a lifejacket. And they wouln’t let him take to the river until he put one on over his 19th century admiral’s uniform. Ridiculous, right? Well, this ludicrous treatment of England’s most revered naval hero prompted the wags at sailing website BangTheCorner to wonder how Trafalgar would have gone if Nelson had been subject to modern health, safety and political norms. Very funny:
You are now on the deck of the recently renamed British Flagship, HMS Appeasement.
“Order the signal, Hardy.”
“Aye, aye sir.”
“Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to the signal officer. What’s the meaning of this?”
“Sorry sir?”
“England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?”
“Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting ‘England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”
“Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”
“Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working
environments.”
“In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.”
“The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.”
“Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it. Full speed ahead.”
“I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.”
“Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest, please.”
“That won’t be possible, sir.”
“What?”
“Health and safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.”
“Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.”
“He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle Admiral.”
“Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”
“Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.”
“Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.”
“Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”
“Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.”
“A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?”
“I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”
“The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”
“What? This is mutiny.”
“It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”
“Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”
“Actually, sir, we’re not.”
“We’re not?”
“No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.”
“But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.”
“I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on disciplinary.”
“You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.”
“Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules.”
“Don’t tell me – health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, morale and the lash?”
“As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”
“What about crew morale?”
“I believe it’s to be encouraged, sir.”
“In that case …kiss me, Hardy.”
Nelson Falls At Trafalgar: “Err, perhaps I should have worn that damn Kevlar vest, Hardy…”
Sandy Point Speed Week–It’s Nukin’ Now: Still no update at the Speed Week website. But thankfully “Andrew” is keeping us sort of up to date on this forum. here’s what he had to say about Tuesday:
Man its windy!!!!! Even for here. Just saw the dog get blown off its chain!
50-60 knots at the Prom. Has to be at least 40 here. Havn’t seen it so southerly this strong for years.
We were all reved up to go at dawn this morning but the wind had not arrived. I took the rescue boat down while I had the chance and played around with some fins and boards. Still no wind at 10am (light northerly). Then a mate rang from Melbourne and said, “Don’t unhook your trailer from your car, it will get blown away!” Oh-oh. Its on the way.
It arrived with a BANG about 20 minutes later. Very SSW. Spray, water willy-willys and sand everywhere!
The tide was already rushing in but a few die-hards had a go with 5.8’s and 5’s. Just too windy with the tide so high. Too much chop. Can’t run close enough to the bank. Too shallow. Ther is 2 foot chop 20 meters from the bank!
I thought I would just have a bit of a fun run to check it out. Played it safe with a 3.7 KA Kaos Wave sail on my 47cm board with a 280 slalom fin.
It was ok to sail and would have been great on flat water but the chop on the fast angle was diabolical. I just could not push it at all. Still managed a peak of 35.9 kts though. Came back to the carpark and escaped smartly before the tide got too high and I was stuck.
I am sitting back at the house now waiting for the tide to go out. If this wind hangs in, and it is forcast to, it will be sensational later this afternoon. There were a few people trying to sail with small wave sails when I left but I thought I would stay warm and save my energy.
I would be very surprised if a few people don’t go well over 40 knots this arvo. I doubt Maquarrie Innovation will sail. Too strong. They only want 20-25 knots. The latest from Windguru shows the SW hanging around for tomorrow at about that strength so they may do it then.
Wednesday dawned with winds over 50 knots. Yikes…
Weymouth Windsurfer: “Those guys at Sandy Point are nuts. If it was blowing 50, I’d be launched into outer space…”
Wetass Service Message #36: Can’t post! Blogger down! Send help (and come back later)!
“Mmmm. I never realized servers made such a tasty snack. Now, where’s Megalon…”
Annals Of Invention–Inflatable Surfboard: Tired of lugging a heavy surfboard through the world’s airports, or getting gonged in the head mid-wipeout? Well, longtime surfer Jim Weir has the surfboard for you. He calls it the ULI (which stands for Ultra-Lite Inflatable, and is pronounced “ooo-leee”). It weighs just eight pounds and can fit in a backpack. When you hit the beach you blow it up, and head for the surf (the ULI can handle a surfer up to 200 pounds). When you are done, you can reconfigure it into a beer cooler or a beachside waterbed (okay, I made this part up). To see what the ULI really can do, check out the photos, videos and testimonials, at the ULI website. The ULI motto (wait for it…): “Get Pumped Up To Surf”…
“Wow, this is so much more comfortable than my fiberglass board…”
The Earthist Chronicles 