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The Wetass Christmas–By Air And Sea: High end retailer Neiman Marcus just released their Xmas catalogue, and it’s definitely got some items suitable for a Wetass stocking. First up: the Zeppelin NT. This baby would be great. It can carry up to 15, hit speeds of 70 knots, and stay in the air up to 24 hours (note to Neiman Marcus: please don’t sell a Zep to anyone named Osama). Think about the New Year’s party you could throw as you head for Las Vegas. Okay, it’s not so practical. It’s 230 feet long, 60 feet wide and 53 feet tall, so the parking garage is out. And it costs, umm, $10 million. But what the hell. Haven’t you always wanted to say: “Hey, baby, would you like to take a ride in my zeppelin?”



“I say, chaps, wasn’t it nice of Edgar to take all our daughters for a ride…”

Or, if you are looking for something a little less pricey, and prefer the undersea world, you could put the Deep Flight Aviator on your list. This 2-man sub is like an underwater airplane, with racing seats, joystick controls and nuclear-tipped torpedoes (okay, no torpedoes, but that would be an interesting option). It can dive to 1500 feet, make up to 8 knots, and you’ll be comforted to know that it has life support for up to 24 hours (again NM: no Osamas). And it costs a paltry 1.7 mil. Which you could easily recoup through smuggling…



“Hey, Bill. That’s the third time you’ve made me go to Columbia with you. I should be getting frequent flier mileage…”

Department Of Dumbass Ideas–“Well, it somehow seemed funny when I first thought of it…”:

Annals Of Envy–Daddy Don’t Surf: So I’d love to learn how to surf. I even have a buddy down in Miami who has a little surf shack in Costa Rica. But I’m stuck at home, sleeping in 3-hour stretches, and dodging the golden shower little Jamie tries to bestow on anyone who dares change his diaper. And here’s the e-mail I get from a college friend who’s living it up as a surgeon out in California:

“I scrambled out of the OR at 4pm Friday to catch a sunset session at Pacifica, just 10 miles north of Mavericks at Half Moon Bay. Took the old Alfa Romeo Guilia with the board racked and ready (the same car that came to your farm 15 years ago with a bike rack), and tooled down the PCH (Hghwy1) to the beach. Unloaded and leashed a 9’4″ deep red Stewart hydrohull longboard and stormed through the beach break to the outer set. The water was warm (59 degrees) and calm and the set waves a magic chest high and cleeann. Pelicans above and sea otters below, rolling in the water. Sunset on the horizon, after which a cool, blue moonlit sheen set on the water.”

You’re killing me, man. I trust it didn’t take an, err, rush job in the OR to hit the beach on time…



“Hmmm, I’m pretty sure I got that last clamp out before closing up…”

The Race To Space–Like A Virgin: Aeronautic genius Burt Rutan is going to send his Buck Rogers-style Little Space Ship That Could back into the ether tomorrow. It will be SpaceShipOne‘s second launch, and the first leg of its two-leg bid to win the Ansari X prize, which will drop $10 million into the pocket of the first team to get a privately built spacecraft into suborbital space (100 kilometers up, or about 62 miles for all you metric-challenged Luddites) and back. Twice. Within a period of two weeks. The second launch, if the first doesn’t end in a fiery ball or a smoking crater, will take place October 4 (the anniversary of the launch of the first satellite–Sputnik). Rutan’s project is backed by Microsoft billionaire Paul Allen, who has sunk more than $20 million into the Quixotic quest. But Allen could be getting more than the 10 mil back if Rutan pulls this thing off. Hirsute business honcho Richard Branson, a first-order Wetass, has inked a deal to develop SpaceShipOne as the world’s first commercial suborbital space ride. Here’s what the ever-quotable Branson, who eventually plans an orbital hotel, had to say: “As Richard Branson Astronaut rather than Richard Branson entrepreneur, my wife will find me even harder to live with.” And here’s how the over-caffeinated, possibly shrooming, marketing suits at “Virgin Galactic” envision the ride:

5, 4, 3, 2, 1…..the VSS Enterprise, your spaceship, is released from the mother ship. Almost immediately, as your astronaut pilot ignites the engine, you will hear the roar of the rocket behind you as the enormous power accelerates you at 4G to a speed faster than a bullet.

All the time, the ergonomic design of the seats will keep you comfortable.

As you hurtle through the edges of the atmosphere, through the panoramic individual windows you will be able to see the cobalt blue sky turn to mauve and indigo and finally black. Out will come the stars, clear and bright… even though it is daytime!

Soon the rocket motor cuts out. Now, from the rush of adrenalin and the rocket motor, everything is quiet.

You are weightless…

You are in space!

The ship will manoeuvre, so you can look for the first time back at the planet you have just come from. The view will be over a thousand miles in any direction. That’s like seeing North Africa if you were in a spaceship above London or Miami from overhead Washington DC. You will see the clarity of the solar system and the harshness of the sun.

It will be humbling. It will be spiritual.

It will be very, very expensive. How expensive? Try $198,000 a shot. But that’s a deal compared to the $20 million the Russians extort from attention-needy American businessmen and fading boy band idols. And I guarantee the Virgin inflight service will be far superior…



Space Cowboy Branson: “With this deal I can now reveal the secret I have been keeping all my life. I am, in fact, a Ferengi…”

Annals Of Achievement–Orange II Bags Another Record: Okay, it’s one of the minor ones–the transMed from Marseilles to Carthage. But they sailed the 458 miles in just 17 hours 56 minutes and 13 seconds (averaging about 25.5 knots). That was enough to grab the record from Steve Fossett’s PlayStation by 50 minutes, and demonstrate that Orange II is probably going to be the new standard in ocean speed sailing. She was able to maintain high speeds in the early, rough going, and when the seas smoothed out she put the pedal down and was doing a steady 35-39 knots for periods of 20 minutes or more. Peyron saw the speedo hit 41.2 knots at one point. And there was only one moment of pure fear: when a sudden gust walloped them and forced the crew to blow the mainsheet in a big, big hurry (I’d like to hear the soundtrack–in French–on that one). So what’s next? Peyron is focused like a laser on taking the round the world record back from Fossett, and the Jules Verne record back from Olivier De Kersauson (recent history reminder: Fossett refused to pay the Jules Verne fee, so the round the world record was suddenly no longer the JV record and Peyron would love to make them one and the same again). That means he will almost certainly keep the boat in Europe until Orange II goes on standby around December (which rules out an east-west transatlantic attempt). But a little cruise in search of the round Britain and Ireland record (currently owned by–you guessed it–Steve Fossett) would certainly be a good tune-up. There’s also the round the Isle of Wight record, but I can’t imagine that any self-respecting French sailor would be too interested in that one. Stay tuned. Peyron has got this program rolling…



“It’s about time we took one off Stevie. Let’s see. That leaves, umm, about a dozen to go…”

James Warren Zimmermann…: Well, here he is. Seems like a nice enough nipper, but I can’t get him out of the pool…

Oh. Better enjoy it now, kid. Here’s what TWC reader Doug Smith says you have to look forward to…

Waaaah!: TWC will be on suspension today, due to the fact that my wife assures me that today is the day that another little Wetass is going to arrive on this here Earth. I’ll be back as soon as I can figure out how to change tiny diapers again…

Department Of Dubious Achievement–The Scorpion Queen: Jim Morrison of the Doors would have loved this Malaysian chick, Nur Malena Hassan. She just spent her 27th birthday locked in a box with, let’s see, more than 6,000 scorpions. Not only that, she’d already been in the box for 30 DAYS. Yes, she is going for a world record (she plans to go for 36 days). Why else would you get in a box full of scorpions? In a shopping mall, no less. She spends her days reading books and watching TV while a total of 6,069 scorpions crawl all over her, trying to figure out what the f*ck is going on. Apparently, she gets 15 minutes a day out of the box for a bathroom break, and can handle up to three scorpion bites per day. She was stung on the second and sixth days of her record attempt, but so far her only complaint is a lack of moral support from her countrymen. Hmm, I wonder why? Perhaps because she is stark raving mad? In fact, I think this constitutes scorpion-abuse–I mean, how bored are they?–and should be reported to the SPCI (Society For The Prevention Of Cruelty To Insects). Too bad the scorpions don’t figure out that they would get sprung a lot quicker if they would just…



Scorpion Queen: “Oh, is there a scorpion on my head? I didn’t really notice. I was too busy calculating how much attention I deserve…”

(Photo: AFP)

Annals Of Oops–Messed-Up Mirabella: The picture says it all. The world’s largest sloop (246-feet) aground on the French Riviera, after dragging anchor. We’ve all done that, but none of us has ever done it in a $50 million yacht. Mirabella’s owner–former Avis honcho Joe Vittoria–wasn’t on board at the time (now there’s a phone call I’d hate to have to make). Mirabella is a monument to a rich man’s inflated, vainglorious ego, so it’s hard not to feel that the Gods saw a need to get involved. They’ll know what the damage is once they haul her off the rocks and get her into dry dock. Hope Vittoria’s got a good, make that world record, insurance policy…



French Riviera’s Newest Lighthouse: “Well, at least we can row to the casinos…”

Breaking News–Orange II On Standby: Bruno Peyron and his monster catamaran are in Marseilles, on standby to take a run at the Marseilles-Carthage record (also known as the “TransMed” to make it sound more important). It’s a 458-mile sprint and they’ll go as soon as the right weather rolls in. Current record-holder is Steve Fossett’s PlayStation, at 18 hours 46 minutes (average speed of 24.38). That should be a piece of cake for Orange II in the right conditions. I have a feeling that Bruno Peyron is about to start rolling up PlayStation’s long list of world bests (despite missing the transatlantic record by just over half an hour). The big one of course is the non-stop round-the-world mark, which Peyron will go after this winter. Stay tuned…



“This should be so easy, I’m almost ashamed…But pass the cappuccino anyways.”