Annals of Achievement–Kowaf*ckingbunga, Dude: You can wait an entire lifetime for a 70-foot wave that won’t kill you, and surfer Pete Cabrinha, 43, found his on the North Shore of Maui last January, at the big wave factory known as “Jaws.” He towed in, he stood up, and he rode the monster into history, officially becoming the world record holder last week at the Billabong XXL Global Big Wave Awards, and pocketing a check for $70,000. That’s a big pile of Kona Gold, Pete. What do you say after watching the biggest wave ever surfed? Well, Rush Randle, who towed Cabrinha onto the liquid mountain, put it this way after Cabrinha kicked out of his megaride: “Holy crap, Pete…that was a bomb!”. Exactly….
“Hey Pete, I’m outta here. But don’t worry, the EMTs are already on the way!”
(Photo: Eric Aeder)
Category: Uncategorized
Man Vs. Animal, Sub Vs. Polar Bear: So you are a badass Commander in the U.S. Navy, with one of the world’s most sophisticated weapons platforms–a Los Angeles class nuclear attack sub–under your feet. You are ordered to the ice fields at the top of the world, to within 280 miles of the North Pole to do some classified bullsh*t and collect water samples (water samples!? with a billion dollar sub? note to Navy: get a mission..). Only you can’t get out of the damn boat, because you are imprisoned by 3 curious polar bears. Maybe they were Russian? At least the Navy only shot pictures…
“Uhhh, skipper. We’re under attack, sort of. We’ve got cruise missiles, of course. But maybe all we need is a baseball bat…”
(More pics and details here (scroll down a ways); thanks to TWC reader Tony Bessinger for the tip)
Have A Wetass Week (And A few Days More)…
Because I am out of here until April 19th, to a place that has sun, surf and no phones. If you are so bored at work that you need a diversion, any diversion, feel free to drop in on “Pig Brother” –a runaway online German reality show in which you can follow the comings and goings of a pack of boars on the web (“Pig Brother”…Get it?). Okay, the Germans are getting weird again. Anyhow, click here to check out the pig vid highlights, and here to watch “Pig Brother” live (just remember Germany is 5 hours ahead of EST, and the live web cam is not very interesting in the dark)…
Papa Pig: “F*ck that lazyass Tim. We’re here every day, so come hang with us for a while and watch us do some crazy pig sh*t…”
Wetass Sport #52–Ice Golf: Yup, ice golf. And last weekend the Drambuie World Ice Golf Championships took place in Norway…inside the Arctic circle. Ice golf has the same rules as non-ice golf, but, well, it’s a bit different. Drives don’t run very far, golfers play in sub-sub-freezing temps, the balls are orange, and instead of the usual lame golf attire–what is it about plaids and plus-fours?–we’re talking ski goggles, balaclavas and mittens. Hazards: frostbite, crevasses, too much Jaegermeister. Winning score at the championship: 12 over par. Say, isn’t Elin from the Arctic regions? Come on Tiger, you wimp….
“This is an easy putt, but what the f*ck am I going to do about the polar bear sitting on the next tee….”
The Last Photo I Ever Took…: Newly appointed TWC Assistant Editor Dave Ross (Multimedia/Torts) is taking his duties seriously, and sent in a series based on this theme. Two of the best:
“Ooops…”
“Oh shit…”
JV Jumble–Geronimo Is Around The Horn: Olivier De Kersauson and his crew, frozen, frustrated and French, finally rounded Cape Stiff yesterday, and are headed north in the Atlantic. They passed this last major milestone in their voyage about 10 hours ahead of Orange 2002, but 48 hours behind Cheyenne’s world record pace. Here’s a handy-dandy little travelogue from the Geronimo website:
“At sea off the coast of Patagonia in 1840, you would have seen a landscape dotted with crosses. Every bay and every headland had its graveyard. Twenty seafaring nations had lost entire crews here. The Bretons were the most numerous in these terrible latitudes and hold the sad record for the most shipwrecks. In the waters off the well-named Desolation Island, it is still possible occasionally to see the top yardarms of sunken 3-masters standing above the waves like symbolic crucifixes…”
At least Geronimo didn’t become one of them…
Fossett (Red) Is Way Ahead…
Killer Kayaking In Kern (California): For kayakers, it is an annual whitewater “wazoo,” 165 miles northeast of Los Angeles. To a local sheriff, according to the LA Times, it is “a series of drownings just waiting to happen.” What the hell are they talking about? The annual Kern River Festival, where hundreds of kayakers will converge for three days, starting April 16, to slalom, freestyle and frolic in the Kern River’s big water and waterfalls. They’ll do their best to stay alive. But they’ll also be partying their asses off….
“Funny. This worked a lot better when I practiced it in my swimming pool….”
Sorry, No Posts Today…
Out on assignment….
TWC Quick Hits…:
Norwegian Wetass Sets World Record For Free Diving Under Ice: Gets to 50 meters beneath ice that is 1.8 meters thick. But TWC is unimpressed and wants to know why diving under ice is special…Do you have to chew your way through? Or is it just darker?
Aussie Walking Sheepdog On Beach Finds Giant (Dead) Leatherback Turtle: Local soup kitchens engage in frenzied bidding war over 1,000 pounder….
Renewed Seal Clubbing Enrages Environmentalists: Canadian Fisheries and Oceans Ministry deftly denies cruelty, saying “the seal reacts like a chicken when you cut off its neck. It seems to be trying to swim away but its brain is clinically dead and its heart is not beating anymore.” Leonardo DiCaprio and Paris Hilton unconvinced. Take up cause…
“Oooh, I’m going to get out there and protest those meanies…just as soon as I finish editing some video.”
Jules Verne Showdown–So, Geronimo, Whaddaya Got?: The Cheyenne crew is showered, hungover in the extreme, and still savoring their 58-day record. Down in the misery of the Southern Ocean, the only threat to their record this year–Olivier De Kersauson’s Geronimo–is lining up to round Cape Horn. So where does Geronimo stand? When we checked yesterday, De Kersauson was whipped, humbled and whining following the seemingly endless pasting he and his crew have received courtesy of the Pacific Ocean. If De Kersauson is lucky, he’ll get around Cape Horn in a little over a day, which would put him around Cape Horn more than 41 days after his start. Fossett got there in under 40, so the big trimaran will be about two days behind and chasing Cheyenne all the way up the Atlantic. Seeing as Cheyenne sailed from the Horn to the Equator, and then the Equator to the finish, faster than any boat ever before, TWC rates De Kersauson’s chances of besting his American rival at close to zero. But you never know, so we’ll keep an eye on him. De Kersauson is still about a day ahead of Orange 2002–though that lead may disappear by Cape Horn–so he is still in the running for the Jules Verne Trophy. Fossett refused to pay the roughly $30,000 Jules Verne extortion fee so he holds the world record without holding the Jules Verne Trophy (world speed sailing is now about to turn into professional boxing, with multiple titles). So if Geronimo can beat Orange 2002 home De Kersauson will be able to claim the Jules Verne Trophy. But how meaningful will that be if he doesn’t break Fossett’s world record? TWC’s answer: about as meaningful as a warm bucket of spit….
“I’m cold, I’m wet, I’m slow…and that f*cking American just stole the world record. Merde!”
The Earthist Chronicles 