Have A Wetass Weekend…:
(Photo: Lacey Hartje via AVWeb.com)
Department Of Dispute Resolution–Everest Speed Record: Last May, a Sherpa named Pemba Dorje claimed that he scaled the world’s highest peak in a mere 8 hours and 10 minutes, setting a new record. Not so fast, said Lakpa Gelu Sherpa, the owner of the previous record. Lakpa suggested the weather was too nasty on the day for Pemba to have made the climb, and added that many climbers on the mountain could not remember seeing him going up. The Nepalese Department of Tourism decided it would arbitrate the dispute, and according to the BBC and Explorer’s Web, the ministry has come down on the side of Pemba Dorje, saying he submitted sufficient evidence in the form of photos, descriptions of items on the mountain, and witnesses, to claim the record. Turns out that these two guys have been trading the record back and forth for a few years now, and each time one of them claims a new record the other guy disputes it. It all seems so grubby and undermines the spirit of climbing and Everest. Here’s a suggestion (switch sarcasm mode on…): from now on these two guys should just go head-to-head. In fact, maybe there should be an annual sprint duel up Everest. I can see sponsorship, ESPN, and plenty of trash talk. The winner could take home the Hillary Cup, and the loser could get his name on the Mallory Plate. Yeah, that’d be the way to go…
Speedy Sherpa Pemba: “This morning I did the breakfast dishes in world record time, but my wife just said I was annoying…”
Department Of Ego Enhancement–Pickup Envy: Here’s a good joke on every loser who bought a Hummer because they thought it would somehow, umm, compensate. They will no longer be the biggest d*cks, I mean vehicles, hogging the roads. Introducing the International Truck And Engine Corporation’s CXT, the world’s biggest production pickup truck. The basic numbers tell the sad, sad story. Curb weight: 14,500 pounds (that’s like 3 Hummers). Towing capacity: 20 TONS (for all the owners who like to take their double-wides wherever they go). Dimensions: 9 feet tall, 8 feet wide, 21.5 feet long (good luck parking). Gas mileage: brace yourself, 7 miles per gallon (that should make all the GIs dying in Iraq feel good). And last, but not least, price tag (brace yourself again, though there’s probably a massive tax break somewhere): $93,000 (wouldn’t, let’s call it “enlarging” plastic surgery, be cheaper?). Here’s the marketing slogan: “POSSIBLY TOO MUCH TRUCK. LIKE THAT’S A PROBLEM.” (which translates as: “This truck is ridiculous, but we think there are a lot of morons out there”). And, you know what, there are. Why don’t we just get it over with and start buying semis or M-1 Abrams tanks for everyday use…
CXT, Giving New Meaning To The Word “Pickup”: “Hey, Baby! You know what they say about guys with big trucks…?”
Annals Of Insanity–Hurricane Surfing: This is supposed to be a vid of a mad surfer catching a tow-in ride on an Ivan-generated swell. I doubt it (there’s no wind and the sea is relatively calm). But it’s a pretty incredible clip. Click here to see whether you have the guts this Dude has…
Ivanna Surf: “Hey, Bro, let’s surf this break…!”
Annals Of Inanity–HurricaneBusters: I’m just guessing, but if you lived in South Florida right now, you might be particularly receptive to ideas–any ideas–that could help thwart the parade of hurricanes that is turning the Sunshine State into the Stormwatch State. And as it happens, over the decades the dreamers, the crackpots, and the mad scientists out there have come up with some pretty creative ideas. Let’s do a quick TWC review:
The wacky: coat the surface of the sea with olive oil to flatten the water; tow a massive iceberg into Florida waters to cool surface temps; build giant fans to blow the hurricane offshore or onto some deserving neighboring community.
The wild: fly a 747 into the eye of a hurricane and release super-absorbent powder to suck all the moisture and energy out. Seriously. This one was proposed by Peter Cordani, chief operating officer of Dyn-O-Mat, a company that sells environmental absorbent products. At a minimum, Cordani says, he could knock a hurricane like Ivan down a category or two. He also claims to have made a thunderstorm disappear off Miami beach during a test run. The government’s response (yup, believe it or not, they looked into it): “It would really take all of the military heavy-lift aircraft that the United States has to carry the material, and there would be a major air traffic control problem around the eye.”
The Way, Way, Out There: Okay, here it is. Just nuke the sucker. Really. That’s been proposed and analyzed. So far, no one wants to go ahead with it. You see, there’s that annoying little problem of fallout. But who knows? Maybe the day will come. The government spent three decades playing with ideas in a secret “weather modification” research program called “Project Stormfury.” And you know they got to playing around with ALL their toys…
“Go ahead. I’ll swallow your puny little nuke and spit out Armageddon….”
Annals Of Inconvenience–Cannonball Runnus Interruptus: Remember the Burt Reynolds movie Cannonball Run, where drivers raced across the United States on public roads? Well, the Euros have been poaching our culture. For the past 3 years a group of leadfoot drivers has been staging a European Cannonball Run, terrorizing villages and kicking ass on the autobahns of the old Continent (organizers claim they “do not endorse speeding or breaking any laws in the countries that the rally travels through;” yeah, right…). This year’s event kicked off on Sunday in London, and 122 drivers headed south through France to Spain. All was well until the Spanish police, getting complaints of high powered sports cars whizzing past poor Spanish grannies, tracked down and impounded 71 cars (including Porsches, Ferraris and Rolls Royces). They were eventually released, after some hefty fines, and the Cannon Ball Run continues. This thing is crazy, and you can follow the race live (sort of) here. Burt would have loved it. But he never would have paid no stinkin’ fine to a Spanish porco…
Cannonball Car Art: Maybe, just maybe, this is what the Spanish police objected to…
Program Note…: Thanks to the wizards at Blogger, I’ve been able to add a little envelope thingy to the bottom of each post. So if you want to e-mail a post to a friend, your mother, or your bail bondsman, just click on it and fire away…
Wetass Video Of the Week…: Here’s what happens if you don’t make an annual donation to your local volunteer fire department…
Basic Training: “And once you get them down the ladder like this, you ask “Cash or check?”…Got it?”
The Wetass Lifestyle–“Zero G, Dude”: Ever wondered what it would be like to float around in Zero G like an astronaut, or at least Tom Hanks in Appollo 13? Well, thanks to the Zero G Corporation, you can now puke with the best of them. For decades now, NASA has been training its astronauts for the Zero G experience by flying them up to high altitude in a modified passenger jet, which then noses over into a dive. For about 30 seconds the occupants of said jet experience weightlessness, or near weightlessness, and if they keep their pasta down, they definitely have the Right Stuff. And the Zero G Corp has just been given the green light by the FAA to provide the same carnival ride to the general public. For a mere $3,000 bucks they’ll take you up in their Boeing 727-200 cargo aircraft, with its specially adapted “Floating Zone” (i.e. a cargo area with a lot of padding). Then they’ll fly 15 parabolas to get you floating time and again. You can choose from a menu of increasingly extreme parabolas that offers Martian-G parabolas (1/3 gravity), Lunar-G parabolas (1/6th gravity), or wild, Wetass Zero-G parabolas. Go alone, and meet other Zero-G nutjobs (you can play with their heads by breaking out your Klingon in mid-air), or charter the whole damn plane for your birthday party. If you’ve got a broadband connection, click here for a pretty cool (except for the porno-style background music) 4 minute video. Light meals–and I mean very light meals–are included. Hope they have a good hose and squeegee in that thing…
Astro Wannabe: “Am I not cool? And it only costs $100 a second…”
Wetass Of The Week–The Buckingham Batman: Holy hijinks! Man scales wall of Buckingham Palace. Hangs out for 5 hours. Queen Elizabeth says he has nice buns…
“Very cool utility belt, Batman. I only get to carry a baton…”
The Earthist Chronicles 