Annals of Enormity–Frankenfish: Americans, it seems, just want everything to keep getting bigger: cars, homes, steaks, breasts…even the fish they catch. And out in California–according to the LA Times–anglers are hauling in whopping big lake trout. Predictably, these trout, which weigh close to 30 pounds and are dropping state records with depressing regularity, are not freaks of nature. Instead, they are freaks of man, genetically engineered at a California trout farm to raise the self-esteem of lame anglers who believe size is everything. The extra-large, extra-wide fish are the spawn of a mad genius named Phil Mackey, who zaps dividing trout eggs to produce an extra set of chromosomes, which renders the fish sterile. That in turn, means trout that grow faster and bigger because they are not wasting time and energy chasing after girlie trout (hmmm, what does that say about all the couch potatos out there….). Unfortunately, it also means that they are way too big for their fins and extremely sluggish. In short, they are not much in the way of game fish. That doesn’t seem to deter plenty of record-seeking fisher-losers from paying to get a chance to land one. But it drives traditional anglers like Ralph Cutter to spew contempt. “The angler who proudly boasts his conquest over a ‘Frankenfish’ is the wet equivalent of the great white hunter who shoots a Siberian tiger from the back of a pickup on a Texas game farm,” he says. The frankenfish are sterile so they can’t corrupt natural species. But in addition to the fact that this kind of shit only convinces penile enlargement spammers that there is a vast and willing audience out there in America, some how, some way, this warped genetic experiment is going to go very, very wrong (though if Mackey could engineer his Schwarzenn-trout so that eating them would render the angler equally sterile, it might pose a pretty interesting trade-off). Say, Phil…….



Test-Tube Trout: “It’s not my fault I’m so obese. I never knew my mother, I can’t get laid, and I’m genetically predisposed to Super Size my fries….”

(Photo: Robert Gauthier/LA Times)

A New Day, A New Year: So what the hell has been going on for the past three weeks? Let’s see……

Annals of Aussieness–Outback Parenting: Croc Hunter Steve Irwin has launched the New Year on a spectacular Wetass note, prompting howls of outrage and shock from the “Lock-Em up Until They Are 20” crowd, by taking his one-month old son to his first croc feeding. In an attempt to initiate baby Bob in the family trade (The Croc Hunter named his son Bob?…Bob? You’d think Irwin would come up with a more imaginative name, say “Gator,” or perhaps “T-Bone” (yes, Seinfeld fans, you got the reference)), Irwin held his tyke in one arm while feeding a 13-foot croc a chicken with the other. Imagine, cried the Oh-No Crowd, the baby was ONE METER from a crocodile’s mouth. “This kid has to grow up to be croc savvy,” a defiant Irwin shot back. Well, if it was Michael Jackson doing the dangling I’d worry about it. But Irwin has been around enough crocs to know what’s dangerous and what’s not. All the stunt really demonstrates is that the cautious grimacing and exaggerated care Irwin takes during his show is pretty much a put-on. I mean, when the kid’s own mother doesn’t object (she was right there), how dangerous can it really be?



“That’s it, Stevie-boy. Left hand, baby…right hand, chicken…left hand, baby…right-hand, chicken.”

Southern Ocean Update–Go VDH, Go: Well, while I was sitting on my ass in warm sun, Wrong-Way VDH was stoically grinding his way across the Southern Ocean, braving storm force winds, and dodging ice bergs. He’s two months into his voyage, and so far, so good. His beloved “Adrien” is holding together well, he hasn’t suffered any major catastrophes…and he’s kicking ass. Right now he is 15 days ahead of Phillipe Monnet’s record pace, cruising south of New Zealand (see chart, VDH in red) while Monnet was still getting his brains beaten in by the Pacific Ocean. VDH still has more than 12,000 miles to go, but he’s looking good….



Unfortunately, the Indian Ocean (coming up next) is notoriously rough…..

Southern Ocean Update 1–Joy to Joyon: Meanwhile, Francis Joyon, going the other way in his trimaran IDEC is also well on his way to obliterating the solo round-the-world record (going the sane way). He is into the Pacific, headed for Cape Horn, and passed VDH (though they did not manage to rendevous) last week. If current form holds, the solo records going both ways could fall at the same time. Joyon has covered almost two-thirds of the course (more than 17,000 miles) in just 44 days. He’s got to get home in under 93, which seems certain if his boat doesn’t fall apart, and has a shot at being the first solo sailor to break the Jules Verne 80-day mark. Holy merde…..



South of Tasmania: Van Den Heede, you bastard, we’re both cold and wet. But at least I’ll be home a month sooner…”

Annals of OOPS–Polar Farce (Update): And……the Polar First Mission–flying pole to pole in a helicopter, sleeping in 5 star hotels whenever possible. I didn’t like it then (scroll down) and I don’t like it now. Apparently, the Antarctic gods felt the same way. On December 20, pilots Jennifer Murray and Colin Bodill augured into the ice 120 miles north of Patriot Hills, on the northern edge of the Ronne Ice Shelf. Bad weather. Bad Karma. Thankfully, Murray and Bodill survived the crash (well, I didn’t hate the concept of this expedition THAT much…), and were airlifted to Punta Arenas, Chile. Bodill fractured a vertebra and Murray dislocated an elbow. Hope they didn’t squash any penguins. Their next mission should be to go clean up the fuel and twisted metal they have now littered across the ice shelf….



Bodill Does Maintenance: “This should be tight enough…I think. Now, where did I put that beer?”

Annals of Investigation–Call My Lawyer!: Due to an investigation by the Department of Homeland Security and the Secret Service–prompted by irreverent and potentially seditious treatment of Vice-President Dick Cheney’s hunting habits–The Wetass Chronicles must suspend publication until the New year…..(Okay, I’m actually going on vacation. Have a good one and see you in 2004……)



TWC: Under interrogation and enduring tongue depressor torture……

Annals of Impotence–Dick Cheney, Man With a Big…..Gun: The gun-happy Veep can’t do much to take out Osama from his secure, undisclosed location. But one of the perks of being first-in…I mean second-in command of the NRA-loving Bush Administration is that he is free to slaughter….birds. And not wild, juking, fast-flying, hard-to-shoot birds, but fat, slow, pen-raised pheasant. Which is exactly what Cheney did on a visit this week to the Rolling Rock Club in Ligonier, PA, arriving in the early morning hours with a massive security detail, his favorite shotgun and a Humvee. There, Cheney and 9 buds (energy lobbyists? Halliburton fuel-scammers?) blasted away at about 500-farm-raised birds that were released for their killing pleasure. My grandfather used to hold pheasant shoots on his farm in New Jersey, and I can tell you that downing a confused, overstuffed bird that has just been kicked out of a crate is about as difficult as hitting the Goodyear Blimp. There’s almost zero sport, though plenty of bang-bang, in it. In short, it’s very, very lame. So it comes as no surprise that Cheney and his gang managed to down about 417 of the birds, with the Veep bagging more than 70 himself (in a shoot like this you normally stand with a loader at your side and you literally blast away continuously as the birds fly overhead). You’d think that would be enough cordite to keep any man feeling big, but after a lazy lunch Cheney headed out to the fields again to blow away some ducks. Predictably, Cheney’s little outing has sparked outrage from the Humane Society. Ohh Pammy, we’ve got another case for you………



Dead and Dying Birds Everywhere: “Damn you, Dick Cheney, I was eating subsidized corn meal every day and my tax cut was just about to kick in……”

“Right Way” Joyon Update–Another Day, Another Ocean: Francis Joyon has now passed south of the Cape of Good Hope, at South Africa’s southern tip. This is the first of the Great Capes Joyon will leave to port in his non-stop tour of the globe. That means he is now in the Indian Ocean, and his next milestone will be Cape Leeuwin, on Australia’s southwest corner. So far, Joyon and his 90-foot trimaran IDEC are putting up an astounding, incredible run, sailing from the English Channel to Good Hope in just 19 Days 20.5 Hours. That is the third fastest time EVER recorded for this passage, which means that Joyon–alone–is sailing faster than all but two of the fully crewed multihulls (which carry up to 13 sailors) that have competed for the round-the-world record over the past decade. Holy Merde! And as for the singlehanders–zut!–he is more than a week ahead of Michel Desjoyeaux’s Vendee Globe time. Joyon now has the Southern Ocean to contend with–which means storms, storms and more storms–and there are many, many miles to go before he is safely home to France. But if Joyon can stay lucky with the weather and keep IDEC from flipping or falling apart, he is on his way to a truly unbelievable performance…..



“Uh-Oh. Now the scary part begins……..”

Annals of Animaldom–Must Have Been a Slow Day: Spanish Search and Rescue authorities are either very hungry or don’t have enough to do. Their latest miracle mission consisted of….rescuing a wild boar from the sea off the Costa Brava coast. Okay, someone initially thought the boar was a very hairy human, and the rescue services swung into action. But the boar, which had been swimming an impressive 2 days (surely a wild boar record) strenuously resisted rescue and seemed to be headed for the Balearic Islands, which are well known for a kick-ass partying scene. After the boar was safely back ashore on the mainland, the authorities earnestly reported that he was hypothermic but otherwise alright. But who really knows. It’s a boar. And maybe it was thinking “Goddammit, it took me two days to get that far and now I have to start all over.”



“Dude, I was almost there.”

“That may be, warthog, but we really needed a Christmas roast…..”

(Photo: AFP)