Weirdass Photo of the Month–Partying Polish Pike: It’s New Year’s. You’re in Poland…freezing your ass off. What better way to celebrate than to hop into a lake and pour cheap Russian champagne down the gullet of a large pike? Anyhow it seemed like a good idea to a couple of giddy frogmen…until the photo was published in the newspaper and they were charged with illegal fishing and animal abuse. Guess the Polish National Fishing Authority just doesn’t have a lot to do these days. No word on whether the pike later got a lap dance or had a hangover the next day….



“Gack! You bastards promised it would be French!”

(Photo: Reuters)

Annals of Adventure–South Pole Express: Last night, British adventurer Fiona Thornewill became only the second woman to trek solo and unsupported to the South Pole. Thornewill, 37 and a fitness expert (you think?), notched the fastest time ever (for a man or woman) over the 700-mile route from Hercules Inlet, getting there in just 42 days. To do it, she hauled a 285-pound sledge through temperatures that dropped as low as -50 degrees Celsius (so, so, very cold). Her best day was 27.5 miles, which is more than most assisted trekkers notch, and helped get her to the bottom of the world faster than fellow Brit Rosie Stancer, who is also on the ice making an unassisted solo attempt. Fiona’s got the soul of a Wetass. Here’s what she had to say to Explorer’s Web when asked whether she was racing Rosie: “Finishing is succeeding – simple as that. In facing this challenge I want to encourage people everywhere not to be scared of taking bold steps and reaching for their own life goals. As I tell myself: Feel the fear and do it anyway.” So, does Fiona now get to fly out in triumph, back to the creature comforts of home? Nope. Her husband Mike had planned to rendevous with her at the South Pole, after leading a small expedition called “Solo Together” over the last 3 degrees. But Fiona got to the Pole so fast, she now has to camp and wait up to TWO weeks for her spouse to arrive. Luckily, she’ll set up near the American polar base, so perhaps a hot shower and a steak will be in order….



“Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway” Fiona: “I’m here. Now what?”

Wetass of the Month–Big-Hearted Bethany: She’s BAAAACK! Just ten weeks after having her left arm chomped off by a tiger shark, 13-year old surfer Bethany Hamilton was carving the waves in competition, taking 5th place in her division and refusing any special treatment just because….she’s surfing with one arm! This kid is a goer. She doesn’t whine, she doesn’t pity herself, she just wants to surf. Her name should be incorporated into surf lingo, to describe a jaw-dropping recovery, as in: “Dude, he was going to face plant on the coral, but pulled a Bethany and shot the tube to daylight.”



Bethany Busts One: “Hmmm, definitely easier to turn right…Now where’s that fu*$ing shark, I’m going to slice him open with my skeg.”

(Photo: Michael Darden via AP)

Big Surf: Luckily, Bethany wasn’t out in this (though she’d probably give it a go), the largest swell to hit the North Shore of Oahu all winter. Twenty-five to thirty footers pounded ashore all day Sunday, forcing lifeguards to work overtime on their jet skis, hauling overmatched un-Bethany’s from the maelstrom.



“Hey, buddy, I’m going good so if you land on me I’m going to have to kick your ass.”

(Photo: Dennis Oda/Star Bulletin)

Annals of Adventure–Fossett Is Wide Open: Steve Fossett, Wetass Extraordinaire, is a very busy guy. Yesterday he took time out from his preparations for an attempt on the outright round-the-world sailing record in his 125-foot maxi-cat “Cheyenne” so he could unveil the Virgin Atlantic Global Flyer, the wild and wacky jet airplane in which Fossett hopes to become the first pilot to solo non-stop around the world. Fossett will attempt the flight–which is being sponsored by his ballooning buddy, Sir Richard Branson–either in April or November of this year, depending on how flight testing goes. Here are the particulars (click here for the full story):

“Virgin Atlantic GlobalFlyer is a single pilot, single engine turbofan aircraft specifically designed for one mission — a non-stop global circumnavigation. Fuel load, weight and strength are paramount. The main structure is constructed entirely from advanced composite materials and the aircraft can carry more than four times its own weight in fuel — enough to power the specially designed Williams FJ44-3 jet engine for the entire flight. At take off the plane (including fuel and pilot Fossett) will weigh 22,006 lbs. Less than 80 hours and some 23,000 miles later, it will have shed 18,000 lbs. of fuel to land near its dry weight of a little under 4,000 lbs. Virgin Atlantic GlobalFlyer will fly at altitudes up to 52,000 feet and travel at speeds in excess of 250 knots (287 mph, 463 kph).”

Fossett always has something ridiculously challenging cooking. For the moment, however, his focus is on the Jules Verne attempt, which is the ultimate speed sailing record. Fossett and his 12-man crew–who will start and finish in the English Channel–are currently on standby, watching a favorable weather pattern which may send them off next week. The current record is 64 days, 8 hours, and 37 minutes. And to make it all the more interesting, there is a similar-sized French trimaran–“Geronimo,” skippered by Olivier De Kersauson–which may set out at the same time. Now that would be a drag race worth watching. Please, Olivier, please. Stand by….



GlobalFlyer: “Uhh, Richard, do you really think I’m going to fit into that little bubble?”

Annals of Enormity 3–Size Matters: At least to Joe Vittoria, former Chairman and CEO of Avis. He’s just launched the largest sailing sloop ever built, Mirabella V, which measures in at a “does anyone really need a boat this big?” 246 feet and 8 inches. The numbers are ridiculous. M5 is almost 100 feet longer than the next largest super-sloop, has a mast that is 300 feet high, and when Vittoria is not aboard getting his jollies from having the biggest hull in the harbor she’ll charter for a mere $200,000 a week. We’re talking excess, excess, excess. Do you think this guy drives a Hummer?



Mother of God, that thing is HUGE…..

Annals of Oops–Tow, Tow, Tow Your Boat: Apparently, next time your powerboat breaks down you SHOULD NOT ask a passing helicopter for a tow. Why not? Click here to find ouch (thanks to Trey)…

Annals of Exploration: Guess what? Mars is red…and arid…and empty. Thanks, NASA. Now how about something really cool, like that moon base President Bush keeps going on about…..



(Photo: Uhhh, NASA?)

Annals of Enormity 2–Carpe Carp: According to Newsweek, giant fish can actually pose a danger: you might get smacked upside the head by one. Giant Asian carp were brought to the US in the 1970s to control algae at catfish farms. Predictably, they escaped, or were thrown into a waterway, or were flushed down a toilet (actually this last one seems unlikely given that they are up to 4 feet long and weigh up to 100 pounds). Now, they are patrolling the Illinois, Missouri and Mississippi rivers, scarfing up the vegetation and plankton which native born species rely on for food, and are ever so steadily headed toward the Great Lakes. That could be an environmental disaster. But what got Newsweek interested? Last fall, an Illinois woman on a Jet Ski got popped between the eyes by a jumping 10-pounder and knocked cold (apparently, the carp find the Jet Ski engine noise as annoying as the rest of the sane population). See, you shouldn’t f@*k with Mother Nature…



“Ok, Charlie, I’ll knock her into the water and you rip her bikini off……”

Wetass Trivia: What’s the largest living thing on earth? It doesn’t have four legs and it doesn’t swim. Oh yeah, it’s also pretty old. Click here to see it.